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| It's been a while since I've updated. I've given it some thought and written some half entries here and there. I usually decide that whatever I'm writing about is not worth writing about, or maybe that I'm not saying anything new. Well if anything gives purpose, God does, so when I write about God I don't get that feeling as often.
Tonight, I was with my KCM sophmore group and some of my peers brought up non-believers for a bit. We were actually talking about a friend of ours and how he had not come to any faith, reasoning that our idea of God was just acting as a comfort to our lives. Also, I remember another friend of mine, back in the summer, was telling me something similar on our way back from summer school. He told me that he was talking to a friend in class, and that she said she didn't need God, and made it seem like she was above him, that she didn't need God and he did. In both cases, I felt like my friends were upset that their faith had been looked down upon as inferior by their friends when so often our churches and ideals tell us that we are empowered by our faith.
But what I feel is the truth is that those friends of ours are exactly right. We feel slightly immasculated and our pride is hurt when our friends think they are superior to us. Yet aren't we taught that we are those same weaklings they are describing? Our only source of comfort is God and others in Christ. True.
The only misconception those friends who made those accusations have is in thinking that they are not weak and don't need God. We all do. I pray that we keep this in mind.
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| A lesson that I learned as a freshman in college was that I know nothing. Before, I was closed into this little world that I thought I knew, comfortable and safe, but now the world increased in size. I was opened up to new people, new ideas. I wasn't the person I thought I was; obviously a huge blow to my pride and I spent half of my time trying to recollect myself. I will say that I was not a Christian for the past year and am still trying to find my way back now. I'll quote one of my favorite bible verses here, Ephasisans 4:1 -
"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received."
I didn't follow this suggestion at all. Towards the end of my youth group, I was surprised when I heard many messages about how we should keep striving in college. I didn't think it would be much different in how I would strive in high school, but the truth is that the media and rumors portray most college life to be a God-less one. I felt very alone at most times. And I'd just like to try and tell the incoming freshmen that it's going to be a tough battle. Sadly, there may come a time when you don't even want to fight anymore. You will be like Cipher from The Matrix, working to get back to the illusion he once lived and leaving behind the freedom he was granted. It's a wish that I've had a couple times in my life. That I could've been saved a little later, that I could've sinned just a little more...and been oblivious.
It's at a time like this when I have to question my salvation. What if someone asked you, "If someone you knew was saved, but then fell back out of it some time later and then died somehow, would he/she go to heaven or hell?" Now, as a Christian, I've been taught that once you are saved, you are saved. There's nothing else for it, you cannot be unsaved. Therefore, it's a matter of being saved in the first place. However, I know that many of you would've answered that he/she would've gone to hell because they probably weren't truly saved if they fell back out of it again. Only you can question your own faith and ask yourself if your heart is in the right place.
It's a tough struggle, especially when it seems like there are so many more opportunities when you remain ignorant of God. These should not concern us; however. In my experience, I've only felt truly satisfied and happy when I know I live in the Word.
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| It was a lot different being a WMACS counselor, rather than a camper. There are two large differences I see now that I've had time to let it sink in. The first is that: being a counselor is a lot more fun than being a camper. It's a lot of fun to plan the games and set them up, hoping and anticipating that it will work out and the kids will love it. I honestly felt like a parent to my group, my team, and to the whole of the kids in general. A lot of the younger boys (and I mean this in the least Catholic Priest way I can) would tell me that they loved me, and not to make light of that, but those were by no means my happiest moments. My happiest and most proud moments were watching them succeed. I felt like a real parent, teaching kids lessons, giving them special priveliges, candy, and even picking up after them. It was a lot of fun and I can see how easy it is to get addicted to something like that.
However, the second large difference I see now is: the aftermath of camp. As a camper, nothing's different. You're the same person. You made friends there so you want to talk to them, perhaps get to know a select few of them better. There is a designated WMACS chatroom for this where we pretty much spew inside jokes all day. And then we would plan events to get together; maybe if I liked a girl at camp, I would IM her more little by little and test to see if she returned any of the feelings.
But obviously, this isn't what you do as a counselor. When I got back...I also got back to being me. Me, the nineteen year old who would be a sophmore in college, not the parent/teacher-figure of a hundred and four kids. It's a large adjustment to make, especially when I continue to talk to kids from camp. In fact, I often find myself having to draw the line in what I say and how I act around these kids, because my normal non-parent self is pretty vulgar sometimes. I don't even know if this xanga is safe anymore because now kids from camp have access to it, along with my facebook and things of that nature. Not that I have anything to hide on either, but there seem to be small things (which seem to increase in number by the day) that kids just aren't ready for. Even if they're only a couple years younger than me.
One of us happened to post pictures of a party the majority of us went to, where there were large black circles, censoring all the non "family friendly" stuff. Obviously, this wasn't a very intelligent thing to do when camp kids have access to your facebook and aren't stupid and can most likely guess what is being blocked or assume it's something even worse. However, this incident and my own struggles of merely censoring what I say are fairly similar. They're both cases of hypocrisy in which we're trying to hide our true selves. At camp, we were the role models for the camp, and obviously we can't let that stop now. It's a shame that a lot of what we do in life should not be modeled after and that's why there's struggle to hide it now. I hate it.
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| I was in a car accident today. Another one. I'm pretty awesome at this. I don't think this one was necessarily my fault, so we've let it run its course in the insurance companies. I was pretty bummed out during the day though. Afterwards, I was constantly dreading having to tell my dad. It wasn't because he was going to yell at me for getting into an accident, but it was because I didn't want to have to stress him.
I kept thinking about how worthless I was. I was only ever a burden to my parents. Always worrying them because I made so many mistakes. Now that I'm older, these mistakes have huge implications. I think about how much money I've dried up, how much effort I've wasted. I've probably never shown what little gratitude I have to the people who raised me and put a roof over my head.
So God put me in a car accident today. He humbled me. Not bad.
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| I keep coming back to the same topic of love. I try not to sound trite when rambling on about it, and I've more or less made it my life goal thus far to discover all that I can about it. It's such a simple idea, yet one that can move anyone to the core. I wouldn't call it an emotion because it doesn't act like the rest of them. Anger, despair, happiness, annoyance, boredom, etc. They all have their times when they rear their heads, yet they pass as time does. Anyone can remember holding that grudge for weeks, months, or maybe years, yet it is easily done away with a gesture such as an apology. One can be extremely jubilant until they've found out that their spouse has died. A huge range of emotion, three hundred sixty degrees, which was changed in a second after hearing this news.
Yet, that person's love did not change. That person loved his/her spouse so deeply before this tragedy, and loves them the same after (or even more). Love transcends emotions. A father will angrily rebuke a child, but will still love his son/daughter. A mother will be disappointed in hearing that the child got sent to the office again, but will continue to love him/her. An older brother may be annoyed with his/her younger sibling...the list goes on and on. I for one know that I have felt this transcendence of emotion after I've broken up with someone I loved. I was so happy one moment, and very very sad the next. Yet the love did not change.
It's easy to think that such a thing is lost in this society. Something so idealistic must be buried underneath the capitalism consumerism, filled with greed, corruption, lust, and every other sin imaginable. Love, what God is, could not co-exist in this pop culture. But, the movie of "Love, Actually" has a differing opinion and says that "Love is all around". If you're a girl or you're a wimp like me, you've seen this movie. I would say it's part of pop-culture and can be generalized with pop-culture itself. In fact, when I look at the abundance of chick flicks, I see a culture obsessed with love, obsessed with that perfect ending that love promises. Most stories take us on an incredible journey of two ordinary people who go through extraordinary circumstances and come out on the other side, together, and happy. This all seems like a fairy-tale, yet it happens all the time. Many experience this side-effect of love. The movie has the luxury of ending right after the fact, not showing the long, hard, road ahead where that love must endure anguish and anger and the hardships of life. But the stories themselves are actually very capable of occurring.
It's quite a miracle. I can think of many times in which the situation had to have happened so perfectly: I must have said this, she must have said that, this had to happen, etc, etc and it all stacks upon itself, so that one moment occurs when I feel like I'm in love. And I know the chances of these events occurring like this are very slim, yet it happened. It happens a lot. It's completely absurd. I know my past companions in love could point out numerous faults of mine and I could mention a few of theirs, yet despite all that, I was able to love them and (I think) they were able to love me. Two imperfect beings were able to see past characteristics that are very undesirable and could then fall in love.
It's truly an amazing phenomenon and I'm constantly in awe of its wonders. Perhaps that's why love is God. From this, my opinion to share with you is that I believe love is possible with anyone. You can love anyone you want to and be happy. No matter if they're fat and ugly and you'd always imagine yourself being with someone better, it doesn't matter. If you love them (and if you believe you deserve someone better, some miraculous circumstance would had to have happened, but if it does), you will happy. So a good relationship with someone special may not be a matter of who but a matter of when. The timing has to be right so that someone is ready to love and be loved in return. Who you create that everlasting relationship may not have been ready in the past or in the future, but is ready now. The real miracle isn't that you found someone to love and love you back amongst this sea of people, yet it is that you found this person amongst this sea of people and the timing was right for both of you to be able to love each other. I love love.
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